This is a lent like no other. I think that we all have given up way more than we bargained for this year. The thing is…Easter is on its way and I’m trying to figure out what to do with what I’ve been experiencing through this pandemic over the last weeks and now, during Holy Week. For me I have found a place where I can once again find myself in a place of reverent worship, but the grief is still so intense to the point of pulling my thoughts into downward spirals, like a line from a beautiful and heartfelt poem spoken yesterday at our online church service:
Down,
Down,
Down.
I wonder how the disciples felt after the death of Jesus? It doesn’t talk about the disciples grieving at all in the gospel accounts. Afraid, confused, bewildered….and joy-filled after seeing Jesus…yes. But there is no mention of grief after the burial of Christ in the gospels that I can find. John 20:11 tells us that Mary Magdalene wept when she arrived at the tomb and found Jesus’ body gone, but no mention of the grief of the disciples. It seems odd. Or maybe because that’s not what we are supposed to focus on? But we feel grief right now, and I’m sure the disciples did too after Jesus death. Grief of the loss of their friend, confidante, teacher and Saviour. Their grief must have began already along with their fear when Jesus was betrayed in the garden of Gethsemane, and the disciples all fled. Grief mixed with fear and perhaps tainted with doubt of everything they “thought” they had known? After the death of their trusted Messiah, and even as He was being questioned, mocked and flogged their world must have been unraveling. And fast. Sound familiar? For me, who was a stay at home parent before this quarantine started, it shouldn’t have been, it shouldn’t ‘be’ such a big deal. But as someone I was speaking to earlier this week pointed out: even if everything in our life is otherwise going great right now, there is a constant weight hanging over us of the reality of the world we are living in right now, locally, nationally and globally. Not much seems the same as it did a month ago. And just like the disciples discovered, much will be different going forward, even once this is all over and we are free to hug and go for a jog down a currently closed off trail…. and walk into our church building. But for now although I’d rather be doing almost anything else, it’s still okay to grieve. As we walk through the final days of lent towards Easter and look towards the resurrection and new life it is a reminder to me that these days will not last forever. Today I grieve, but Easter is coming and with Easter I can feel a hopefulness rising up in me as I turn my face towards the Source of all hope (Romans 15:13).
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
Growing Into Up 